3 Resources for How to Deal with Anger

Anger pops up in a variety of situations. It may be something external – sitting in a traffic jam or hearing that your favorite team lost the game in overtime. But often, anger is rooted in something deeper. Getting to the root of that emotion and figuring out how to deal with anger should be done with trusted tools and trained counselors.

How to Deal with Anger: 3 Tips

The first step is awareness. If someone has ever pointed out that you tend to respond to negative situations in anger, it’s certainly worth paying attention to. Asking yourself some questions may help.

• Do I frequently regret something I have done or said in a time of anger?
• Are those closest to me fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing because of how I might react?
• Do I typically give the “cold shoulder” to someone that has hurt me in the past?
• Have I refrained from bonding or held back love to show – in a not-so-obvious way – that I am angry with someone?
• Have I lashed out on more than one occasion with words or physical aggression toward someone because of angry feelings?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these, it could be a worthwhile time to examine the depth of your anger. The anger issues may stem from several roots.

One way your anger may come out is by punishing yourself. If you get upset with yourself when your very high standards have been broken – by you – then this may be why. It is hard to let go of anger toward yourself, hard to not talk negatively to yourself in your mind, and hard to not berate your choices even if you know that perfection isn’t the ideal.

Other exhibits of anger include cursing or lashing out physically or degrading someone and calling it “a joke.” The first is an overt, outward expression of anger; the latter is a furtive, passive way of revealing anger.

Everyone struggles with anger at times. But if your struggle is impacting your relationships, your self-esteem, and your everyday ability to be content, it’s time for some resources that can help. Three resources for how to deal with anger include:

Metacognition

This simply means to think about how you are thinking. If your anger erupts because your plans fell through and “everything is ruined now,” you might try to restructure that thought. Changing it from “everything is ruined now” to “I’m disappointed, but there will be an alternative” is a way to reframe your thought process.

It’s an internal mechanism to help you de-escalate your anger. This ensures that you have the mental wherewithal to identify the source of your anger and recognize that the dramatic play in your mind may not be true.

Talking it out

Talking about your anger out loud – to yourself or a trusted counselor – can be freeing. Many people feel they “shouldn’t” be angry. However, anger is just an emotion. When it becomes an issue is when someone responds poorly to their own emotion.

You might talk about how you are feeling aloud using statements such as, “I am mad that I have to get a new car because my stepson wrecked and totaled my current one” and “I feel upset that he chose to drive my car recklessly” are ways to acknowledge how you feel. Next, you might talk through how you’ll respond.

Using statements such as, “I understand that a car is just a car, and I can replace it,” or “I am glad that my stepson isn’t hurt, and I know he will learn from this experience” help to align your own expectations with reality.

Ask questions first to help solve problems

When someone comes to you with a problem that may elicit anger, try to make your first response a question. If your wife says she needs you to come home an hour earlier than usual because of a social engagement, try to ask something simple such as “Who are we meeting?” or “Where are we going?”

If this doesn’t help, think of a follow-up question. If you find that you’re upset by her making plans without consulting you, you might ask something like, “I feel like my plans haven’t been considered. Why didn’t you ask me before you made these plans?” You’ll have to make sure that you are willing to listen without judgment, of course, but asking good questions can lead to solutions and can diffuse angry-prone eruptions.

Questions put you in a state of curiosity, willingness to listen, and a desire to understand. These are inconsistent with irrational outbursts of anger, so it takes longer for the anger to build if you continue to ask thoughtful questions that evoke thoughtful answers.

Anger can be a tough emotion to contend with, and it takes time to learn new ways to deal with anger. But a trained counselor can help make this process less cumbersome.

How a counselor can help you learn how to deal with anger

First, he or she will likely assure you that anger is not always wrong – it is often an expression of how you feel. Second, he or she may ask questions to help you come to conclusions about the source of your anger. The counselor will, then, take notes based on your answers. He or she is not recording what you say to use it against you – it’s quite the opposite. Your answers are recorded so that your counselor can guide you in your next steps.

Learning how to deal with anger is doable. Call a licensed counselor today.