Family Issues in a Blended Family

The day is finally here! You are remarrying, and shortly, the love of your life will become your spouse for the rest of your life. The future looks bright. The two of you are perfect for each other, and you cannot imagine being with anyone else. It can only go up from here, right? But somewhere in your mind, you wonder if your new blended family will work.

You both have children from previous relationships (which means both may have ex-spouses). It worked for the fictitious Brady Bunch, but will it work for you?

Don’t wait until your wedding day to prepare for a blended family. Learn about the common family issues blended families face and work together as parents to make the transition smoother. This is your new family, and you can make it full of love and understanding.

Blended family issues of concern

Typically, it may take a blended family two years to become accustomed to the changes, the stepparent, and the family dynamic. In addition, it takes time to bond with stepchildren and to grow their trust.

Even before you say, “I do,” you may already be experiencing family issues in how your significant other manage your children and their own, how your children respond to their future step-siblings, and how your exes are handling your relationship.

Do any of these family issues sound familiar?

When you don’t get along with the ex

Things did not work out between you and your former spouse, which is why you are no longer married. Maybe you still cannot agree on topics regarding the children. Or, your ex is possessive and does not like your new spouse. It could be that your significant other’s ex is jealous and dislikes you from the get-go and seems to have made it their life mission to make your marriage miserable.

Unfortunately, you cannot force someone to like you. You cannot control how they behave. What you can do is focus on what you control: your emotions and behaviors. You do not have to engage in name-calling, but you should be assertive about what happens in your home.

No one should disrespect you or your spouse, especially in front of the children. Children can sense tension and want to side with their mother or father over a stepparent even if that other person is wrong. Practice grace and kindness, but learn to stand up for yourself.

When the children act out for attention in a blended family

Children will act out in various ways during a life change. Their parent remarrying is a huge life event for them. It means that someone else will try to assert themselves as a parent, enforce rules, and steal time away from the child when it comes to their parent.

Some children may have temper tantrums or angry outbursts, while others may make sarcastic and insulting comments. Children may hit or display disruptive behavior in school. Or, they may shrug it off and pretend they do not care about the changes.

All you can do is try to gain your stepchildren’s trust by letting them know you will not treat them differently than your biological children and that you are there for them. Be willing to support them in their endeavors and dreams.

Find things you can do together. Trust and love take time and effort. If they still seem to be having a rough time, discuss it with your spouse and consider speaking to a family or school counselor.

When the kids fight

Sibling rivalry is just as expected with step-siblings as with biological siblings. Especially when children are forced to become one big, happy family and maybe even share a bedroom. There may be a lot of bickering between kids, and one-upmanship, pranks, or insults are thrown around.

Younger children may have an easier time getting along unless they feel that their biological parents are spending too much time with the other child. Personality clashes can happen where teens are concerned. In extreme cases, bullying and physical fights can escalate.

Make it a point to spend time with each child, reassuring them of their place in the family. Remember that one child may have been the oldest in the family with all the responsibility and is now considered a middle child.

Or your youngest, your “baby,” might now have two step-siblings younger. Celebrate each child’s accomplishments and encourage them to do things separately from their siblings.

How to manage family issues in a blended family

Take a deep breath. Your blended family is your new family. You can do this. Don’t try to rush the relationships with your stepchildren or the relationships between your children and your spouse. Don’t try to make your spouse’s ex your best friend. Time and effort will make co-parenting easier, and as the children grow and accept this new normal, it will get easier.

Work together as a family.

This will only work if everyone is on the same page about the children. This means sitting down to discuss potential issues before they arise. Topics like rules at each home, discipline, and schedules should be discussed. You may need a mediator in the form of a counselor if the relationships surrounding former spouses are tense.

If you can work together as a team, as a family, the children will adapt much more quickly. It also allows you to meet with the exes to discuss what may be changing in their lives. Is your ex-husband getting remarried? Is your ex-wife divorcing her husband? Did the ex get a job in another city or state?

These changes will affect the children. Volunteer to help where you are able and ask for help in return. You might be surprised to find that your biggest ally in this season is the person that let you down in the past. Thank God for grace in our lives.

Set new parenting rules, family schedules, and quality time.

No one says that you must lead your family the way your spouse’s ex used to or the way you have always done. This is your new blended family. You make it work the way you want it to.

For example, maybe you have been a single mother for the last three years, working two jobs and raising two teen boys. Now you are remarried to a wonderful and supportive husband with his own two small preschool children.

You can create new traditions around the holidays that excite the little ones but also give the older boys responsibility. Maybe you need to enforce a curfew for the teens or assign a game night to get everyone under the same roof.

Every family is different, so do what is best for your family. Establish rules and get the kids excited about upcoming events and outings. Ask for their input. We often believe that kids are kids and that their opinions carry less weight.

This may be true but listen to their concerns and expectations for this new family. What kind of stepmother or stepfather are they expecting you to be? Are they capable of meeting your expectations?

The truth is that the Brady Bunch family was fictitious. You will have to come up with your own version of family. But in the end, what makes your blended family unique will also make it memorable in your child’s eyes.

Would family counseling help?

In a blended family, you can experience family issues that you never saw coming, such as drug abuse, teen pregnancy, financial problems, mental disorders, and addiction. Consider contacting help through Christian counseling to bring your family together and learn how to overcome family issues.

Give our office a call or complete the contact form today to schedule an appointment with a counselor. Your blended family might not be traditional, but you can take advantage of a second chance and make it the most loving and supportive family it can be.