It’s never easy changing direction in life or giving up on a dream. When you get divorced, there’s a sense in which your life starts anew, with new possibilities. Divorce is often painful, but that pain can shape you in positive ways and toward a deeper appreciation of God’s love.
The unexpected ways divorce affects you.
When you enter a marriage, you do so with certain expectations. Some of these are legitimate and get fulfilled, for good or for ill, while others aren’t met at all. With a divorce, the same holds true. You may have expectations of what it’ll be like, and these are shaped by media, the experiences of friends and family, and your imagination. The following may be unexpected ways that divorce affects you:
It leaves a void in your life.
Whatever your marriage was like, losing your spouse is like losing a limb. You’ll feel their absence in your life, by missing them, feeling free, or a strange mixture of both.
It can feel liberating.
Not having a spouse can feel liberating because you don’t have to account for your time, money, or movements in the same way as you do when married.
It is like death, and it brings grief.
Your marriage may have been a hard one, and while you may be relieved to be divorced, it is still a loss. You’re foreclosing on a particular future and dream, and any divorce, even when justified, grieves God because that’s not His intention for us (Matthew 19: 1-12)
It can make you feel like you’ve failed, or even that you are a failure. If you’re a disciple of Jesus, and even if you’re not, divorce feels like a failure in the relationship. It can affect you and make you feel like you’re a failure too.
It can make you afraid of relationships and commitment.
A committed relationship that doesn’t work out can make you hesitant to enter a similar situation in the future. It’s not easy giving your body and soul to someone, and then for that to end.
Coping well: Some useful tips
Your journey in marriage and through divorce is a unique one, and what you need to help you cope will differ. Below are a few things that can help you along the way, whether the divorce is in process, or has been finalized and come through.
Enjoy your kids and prepare them for change.
Amid the possible arguments with your ex over who gets what, take time out to just enjoy your kids. Spend time with them, and love on them. You can be sure that as you’re going through a tough time, so are they. Loving them lets them know it’s not their fault, that they’re still loved, and it creates space for them to explore their feelings.
Allow yourself room and time to grieve.
Make no mistake, divorce is a loss. Give yourself space to grieve, to feel the anger, the sadness, and all of it. A loss that isn’t mourned has a way of lingering and affecting you in unexpected ways down the line. Don’t plunge straight into another relationship but give yourself time to process things.
Don’t engage in risky behaviors.
It may be tempting to want to fill the void or explore your new normal in unhealthy ways. Drugs, sex with multiple partners, reckless driving, and alcohol are all tempting, but they bring more problems than they solve.
Exercise for mental and physical health.
Divorce is stressful, and a healthy way to cope and let your body process the excess cortisol is to work out. It’ll benefit your mental, emotional, and physical health.
Forgive, and don’t engage in slander or vitriol.
Holding onto a grudge and being resentful affects your emotional, physical, and mental health. It’s tempting to get together with friends to slander your ex, but that doesn’t help you, especially if you’re going to co-parent.
Don’t act in ungodly ways, but continue to keep in step with the Holy Spirit (Galatians 5:13-26). Stay connected to your church community and lean into your relationship with the Lord.
Learn new skills.
Your spouse likely performed tasks that helped you both. Learning new skills, like plumbing, cooking, basic car repair, and cleaning can help save you money while making you more independent.
Help for coping with divorce.
Getting divorced isn’t easy, and it opens up a whole new world for you to navigate. Some of what needs navigating is yourself, and what it means for you to no longer be married. That self-exploration can be done in a safe space with a counselor.
Your counselor can help you unpack your thoughts, fears, hopes, and goals for the next season of your life. They can also provide you with tools to help you cultivate a positive outlook and emotional resilience so you can cope with negative thoughts and experiences.
Seeking counseling invests in your emotional and mental well-being, which will help you flourish in the new space you find yourself in. Contact our office at Wylie Christian Counseling in Texas to connect with a counselor who can help.
Photos:
“Staring Out the Window”, Courtesy of Felipe Cespedes, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Coffee and Desert”, Courtesy of destiawan nur agustra, Pexels.com, CC0 License; “Watching the Sunset”, Courtesy of Arthur Brognoli, Pexels.com, CC0 License
Kate Motaung: CuratorKate Motaung is the Senior Writer, Editor, and Content Manager for a multi-state company. She is the author of several books including Letters to Grief, 101 Prayers for Comfort in Difficult Times, and A Place to Land: A Story of Longing and Belonging...
DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT PROVIDE MEDICAL ADVICE
Articles are intended for informational purposes only and do not constitute medical advice; the content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. All opinions expressed by authors and quoted sources are their own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the editors, publishers or editorial boards of Stone Oak Christian Counseling. This website does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, physicians, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned on the Site. Reliance on any information provided by this website is solely at your own risk.
