Three Components of Effective Communication in Your Marriage

Effective communication is an important part of any relationship. It helps ensure people are connected and understood. This is even more important in a marriage. But just because it’s important doesn’t mean it’s always easy.

There are times in a marriage when communication feels hard. Maybe it’s because you don’t agree on something. Maybe it’s because you need something different from what your spouse is offering. Other times you may not even know why the communication feels off; you just know that you feel disconnected.

The good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned and built upon over time. Instead of feeling like you just can’t seem to communicate, you and your spouse can work together to build effective communication that serves both of you and draws you closer to one another.

Why effective communication matters

On some level, it is clear that communication is important. It’s often one of the most discussed elements of relationships. But knowing it is important won’t help you understand why it’s important. And the why is what helps you work for better communication even when it feels challenging.

The way you relate to your spouse affects your relationship and more. Some examples of why communication is important are to:

• prevent misunderstandings
• work through misunderstandings
• build respect
• increase trust
• remove the need to guess or assume
• save time
• increase self-understanding and respect
• build satisfaction
• foster growth
• learn about your partner and yourself
• reduce stress and anxiety

These benefits of communication help you build a stronger, more loving marriage that is less stressful and more beneficial for you and your partner.

Elements of effective communication

Communication within your marriage involves more than what you talk about. While talking is a key component, you also need to think beyond the verbal to other ways you communicate what you think and how you feel with your spouse.

Verbal communication

This is often the first thing we think of when we discuss communication. The way we speak to one another, what we say, and the varying scenarios are important parts of communication.

Talking to your partner is an essential part of your relationship. It is important to say nice things to one another to build each other up and foster warmth and trust. Make it a point to speak to your partner daily about something positive.

Say I love you each day. This reaffirms the foundation of your relationship each time you say it, both for your partner and for you. Compliment your spouse to show them how you feel about them. Tell them they look nice or that they did a good job handling something.

This will make your spouse feel seen and loved. This is especially important after you’ve been married for some time. It is always nice to be reminded that someone thinks you’re beautiful or handsome.

Making sure you say nice things to your partner makes it less worrisome when you do need to talk about more difficult things. If there is something you are struggling with or that is driving you crazy, it is important to express this to your partner. If you don’t, the feelings are often suppressed, only causing more frustration and bitterness to grow.

When you do need to talk about hard things, it is easier to talk about them before they begin to build up. Try to speak to your partner when you are both feeling calm and use kind, respectful words. This will help your partner understand how you feel so you can work through it together.

For example, if it bothers you that your partner tends to leave their dirty clothes piled up beside the bed instead of bringing them to the hamper you have two options. You could say nothing and just feel frustrated every time you gather clothes to do laundry. Or you could talk to your partner and express how you feel and why:

“I don’t enjoy doing the laundry, to begin with. When I have to go walk around looking for your dirty clothes it adds a step to a job I already dislike. Could you help me by putting your clothes in the hamper each night?”

Expressing your thoughts kindly with a clear explanation about why you feel that way allows you and your partner to know and serve one another more effectively. When you express your feelings and needs, it shows respect for your partner and yourself. You are honoring both of you as individuals and communicating about it to honor your relationship.

Nonverbal communication

We express our thoughts, feelings, and ideas with far more than just our words. Our body language shows a lot more about how we feel, that is why it is important to be intentional about how we are communicating in nonverbal ways as well, especially for difficult conversations or conflicts.

Start by thinking about how you can be open, not just with your feelings, but your body. Is your position showing your spouse that you are listening? Are your eyes focused? How are you using your hands? All of these things play a role in how you express yourself and how your spouse receives your thoughts.

For example, if your spouse is talking about something difficult with you and you turn your body away, roll your eyes and break eye contact, that tells your partner how you feel without you saying a word. It also has the potential to be misinterpreted.

Instead, if you appear relaxed and keep your body and eyes focused on your partner while they are talking, it shows that you are engaged and listening. This conveys respect and thoughtfulness, which are especially important when talking about hard things

Some things to remember about nonverbal communication:

• Face your partner
• Keep your arms and legs uncrossed
• Try to nod or gesture to show you are actively listening

Communication with actions

Building upon your verbal and nonverbal communication, you can incorporate physical acts. These are the things you do for your spouse that show them that you care. These things are especially important during times of stress or conflict. It has long been said that “actions speak louder than words,” and this is especially true in relationships.

The things you do for your spouse show them that you care. Simple things like going to the store, making dinner, putting the kids to bed, planning a date night, arranging childcare, filling up their car with gas, or making them lunch to bring to work are things you can do that show them you care about them.

While these things may seem trivial, when paired with effective verbal and nonverbal communication, you foster the respect, love, and trust you long for in your marriage.

For example, if your spouse expressed how hard their day felt and that they are overwhelmed, you could do something kind for them. Without saying anything, you have communicated your love to them.

Honoring yourself with effective communication

As you take time to express your needs and thoughts in kind, respectful ways, you are honoring yourself. While you may be quick to dismiss this, it is important in a relationship. As you respect yourself and your ideas, you show your partner that you are valuable and important.

Honoring your partner with effective communication

Even more important than honoring yourself is learning to honor your partner. This could mean thinking about when they may be ready to talk about something or considering the way you communicate about something. As you consider your partner’s feelings, tendencies, and ideas, you are building on the respect and love you have for them within your relationship.

Final thoughts

Communicating with your spouse is happening whether you are intentional about it or not. For your communication to be effective, you need to consider both verbal and nonverbal communication as well as actions.

At Wylie Christian Counseling we help couples learn how to communicate more effectively. If you need help communicating with your spouse, reach out today.